Via NewTeeVee.

This is one of the absolute weirdest things I’ve seen in a while. Michel Gondry and David Cross tell a wonderful tale of a man and his excrement…

It’s enough to make you miss Arrested Development.

This month, as in every December since he took office, President Bush sent out cards with a generic end-of-the-year message, wishing 1.4 million of his close friends and supporters a happy “holiday season.”

Many people are thrilled to get a White House Christmas card, no matter what the greeting inside. But some conservative Christians are reacting as if Bush stuck coal in their stockings.

…Wildmon does not give retailers the same benefit of the doubt. This year, he has called for a consumer boycott of Target stores because the chain issued a holiday advertising circular that did not mention Christmas. Last year, he aimed a similar boycott at Macy’s Inc., which averted a repeat this December by proclaiming “Merry Christmas” in its advertising and in-store displays.

“It bothers me that the White House card leaves off any reference to Jesus, while we’ve got Ramadan celebrations in the White House,” Wildmon said. “What’s going on there?”

All I want for Christmas is a conservative Christian boycott of Georgie boy.

On feminism:

“(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

“NOW is saying that in order to be a woman, you’ve got to be a lesbian. ”

On the separation of church and state:

“That was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the Communist Soviet Union.”

On those horribly oppressed Christian Americans:

“It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.”

On those same Christian Americans of a different denomination:

“You say you’re supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense, I don’t have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don’t have to be nice to them.”

And yesterday on ‘Intelligent Design’:

“I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover. If there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city. And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for His help because he might not be there.�

Oh man, I’m wiping the tears away. He’s like Steven Wright but BETTER!

As for the demise of “Arrested,” it comes just as the acclaimed comedy came back this week after a hiatus to make room for Fox’s baseball coverage. The two back-to-back episodes averaged a paltry 4 million viewers Monday, sending Fox to fifth place in the 8 p.m. hour and putting a dent on the ratings of its lead-out, the rookie drama “Prison Break.”

There is a possibility that the show will be shopped around, but its high cost is expected to be prohibitive for a cable network.

I’ve always enjoyed Arrested and I’ve thought this season has been simply brilliant. Yes, it’s strange and at times cold, but the writing is so sharp and the acting is hysterical. I will never get tired of David Cross’ unending homoerotic double entendres, George Michael’s quiet innocence, or Gob’s simple desire for his father’s approval of his “magic.” Much like Sports Night or Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Arrested was simply too good to survive amongst the dreck of primetime network television.

C’mon F/X, do the right thing and produce the show that your big brother won’t. It sure would go well alongside one of my new favorites, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

No surprise, Gary was ahead of the ball and had a queue of Harriet Miers strips all ready to go for confirmation week.

Also, in case you missed it, the White House earlier in the week sent a cease-and-desist letter to the parody news publication, The Onion, requesting that it stop using the Presidential seal on its weekly radio address spoof. Right…. Well The Onion fired back with this weekend’s Weekender section featuring our lovely first lady, Laura Bush.

10. Put down the caffeine: For the next 48 hours, cleanse your body of java, aspartame, splenda, and whatever other shit you’ve been putting in your system. Your body will be producing more adrenaline during Fitzmas than it did when you were a hormone-crazed teenager, so don’t fuel the fire.
9. “Refresh” is the AntiChrist: Resist the urge to press “refresh” every TWO SECONDS. Checking into Drudge every minute won’t make any indictments come any faster..it’ll just give him hits and make Drudge’s head swell even more. Eww. I put “Drudge” and “swell” and “head” in the same sentence. I just grossed myself out.
8. …

Admittedly, you’ve gotta be a Plamegate junky to find it funny, but if you ARE, keep reading, it’s hysterical.

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, loving father of Charles (Joann) Heller; dear brother of the late Sonya (the late Jack) Steinberg. Ted was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service-related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. Graveside services Tuesday 11 a.m. at Waldheim Jewish Cemetery (Ziditshover section), 1700 S. Harlem Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans.